rain and relationships

It's a lovely rainy day, first one in a while. I had a great 18k run this morning, singing Bowie and feeling so alive.

I've been reading more about living with someone with an addiction, and attended the first of a 2 night education session on addiction. I found a few things helpful. The addiction process they described made sense; the brain, after enough exposure, thinks the substance is a need, hence the cravings and physical symptoms when the addict has been sober for a bit.

It also helped me acknowledge that yes, this is real, but my responsibility is to myself and the kids. If my spouse doesn't want help or refuses to accept it, I can make sure I'm not enabling him by making excuses for him, but I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.

I don't have to kick him out.
I don't have to try to stop his drinking.
I don't have to beg him to pursue treatment.

I am going to give him phone numbers for help, there are options available he won't look up. And I am going to get the boys driving so I am not stuck running all the errands.

His drinking is no better than it was, but my coping is. I am living my life, he can't join in until he is sober because his drinking, and withdrawal when he isn't, have taken his ability to do much of anything. Sucks for him. Doesn't mean the rest of us need to stop our lives, and we haven't. My kids know their dad's drinking sucks. They also know it is not their fault, and they need to keep living their lives.

Fun with freezers

Things I learned emptying our ancient deep freeze:

Plastic bonds with fruit
Crowbars don't separate frozen bags of soup
Old food smells awful
Chipmunks eat freezer crud in the compost
A 7 cubic foot chest freezer produces at least 10 cubic feet of compostable stuff
Even empty, getting those fuckers up the stairs is no fun
Punching youself in the face trying to rip open bags doesn't hurt that much, and the swelling is barely noticeable
Some smells do not wash out of your hands
Concrete can grow mold

and on Christmas Eve eve...

I got mad and said I don't want to spend Christmas with you if you're drinking.

This is getting to feel like I don't want to keep trying. Clearly it is time for a run. Endorphins make everything look better!

Bah, humbug.

Welp, we got through a holiday party boozeless, and it was really nice.

It reminded me of why I married him, and why I am not giving up. But he is not making it easy.

I need to tell him this is not a consequence free choice, it's not life as it is with or without the bottle. I need him sans bottle. Or it'll be sans him.

Stupid alcohol. Why do so many of us have brains that try to drown us in it?

5 days, and then drink

I'll talk to him tomorrow. He went to a friend's house & came home drunk. Not fall down drunk, but wobbly and loud.

He actually followed the furnace salespeople out the door to keep chatting. Kinda funny...

Maybe we should skip Friday's party. I don't want to go if he's going to drink, and I don't trust his words about drinking, his goal seems to be to avoid conversation.

One day at a time. This was not a good one, but there have been worse.

Booze

Life for me is always good, I am a delusional optimist.

But sometimes even I have to admit that some shit is too deep to get out of on your own.

That shit is booze. My spouse drinks too much, and it hurts. It hurts me. It hurts the kids. It hurts his family. Working around his drinking takes so much out of me.

This can't keep on like this. He'll end up smashing the car, or just get sicker and drunker and more awful to live with.

So what am I doing? Talking. To him. To his brother. To my parents. Writing. He has letter #1, the next 2 are drafted. I can't make up his mind, but I can let him know that his drinking is a problem that is hurting many people, and making his kid's anxiety worse.

I have asked to go with him to talk to his doctor. I'm giving him letter 2 today, which just puts this in writing.

I haven't threatened to kick him out. I've thought about it and talked to people about it, but I'm not able to tell him yet. That's going to be hard. I love the dude, boozy though he is, and don't want to lose him to a fucking bottle. But I might.

Talking to people has been awesome. Everyone knows several people who had drinking problems, and sadly, some who died of them. This is such a common and horrible problem, why do we make it worse by attaching shame to it? Fuck shame. That bullshit is used to control us. I mean, yeah, some things are shameful...but not being ill, or having consentual sex, or struggling to stop an addiction, whether it's smoking or alcohol or other drugs.

I don't know how this will go. I told him last night I was sorry I hadn't said anything sooner about his drinking, I was waiting until I was perfect. I meant until I'd dealt with my own red wine binge drinking issue, which, no shit, ended when I quit red wine. Humans are masters of self-delusion. Anyways, I am fine, and I am talking, and he is getting better at listening. Keeping it to how it affects me and the kids and what I want him to not do is direct, pretty easy to get out, and up to 3 days ago useless...but I am not giving up.

Letter #2. May #3 end up shredded.

Cleaning can result in bong water messes

I do have a weekend cleaning routine, although it fails to ever result in a clean house.

I also have a parenting style best described as denial light. My kids probably do things I wouldn't be thrilled about, but they seem so happy it can't be worth worrying about, right?

Wrong-o. Whilst putting away my 16 year old son's clothing, I realized he'd left a sweatshirt on the floor behind his clothes. It was wet. Odd, I thought, as I pulled it out. Then leapt back as a giant bong tipped over, splashing bong water all over me and the floor.

Turns out the bong belongs to his brother. Who is 13.

Denial. Not the right tool for parents of toking teens.

On the plus side, giant bong would make a good band name, but nuclear fungus is still my favourite.