It's a lovely rainy day, first one in a while. I had a great 18k run this morning, singing Bowie and feeling so alive.
I've been reading more about living with someone with an addiction, and attended the first of a 2 night education session on addiction. I found a few things helpful. The addiction process they described made sense; the brain, after enough exposure, thinks the substance is a need, hence the cravings and physical symptoms when the addict has been sober for a bit.
It also helped me acknowledge that yes, this is real, but my responsibility is to myself and the kids. If my spouse doesn't want help or refuses to accept it, I can make sure I'm not enabling him by making excuses for him, but I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.
I don't have to kick him out.
I don't have to try to stop his drinking.
I don't have to beg him to pursue treatment.
I am going to give him phone numbers for help, there are options available he won't look up. And I am going to get the boys driving so I am not stuck running all the errands.
His drinking is no better than it was, but my coping is. I am living my life, he can't join in until he is sober because his drinking, and withdrawal when he isn't, have taken his ability to do much of anything. Sucks for him. Doesn't mean the rest of us need to stop our lives, and we haven't. My kids know their dad's drinking sucks. They also know it is not their fault, and they need to keep living their lives.