I wiped my leg on a hedge

Warning: post contains poop.

I'm now 4 months post official separation - the CRA and my employer are notified, I am on the road to divorce. Which is a really ugly word for a very useful practice, people live a long time, they change, and we should allow people to dissolve partnerships that aren't working. Right now I'm pretty delighted to be officially separated, and looking forward to finalizing everything. My soon to be ex spouse? Not so much, he's wallowing in misery, but at least he's functioning.

Running is what makes me feel good. It boosts my mood, the boost lasts a long time, even if it's a shitty run. And wow, was yesterday's run ever shitty! I forgot rule 1 of running: don't do it after a sizable meal. The meal can stimulate the bowels, as can the running, and realizing at the point farthest from your door that you have to poop is not the runner's high we dream of.

I didn't make it. I really didn't make it. I've pooped a bit running before, it's horrible but manageable. The worst is usually trying to take off soiled tights without getting shit all over the bathroom, and at worst you have to clean the bathroom, which I do anyways.

I wasn't in tights. I was in shorts.

Shorts not built for containment.

I felt horror as I realized the shit was going to be visible. There is no shirt long enough to hide that. I had poop on my shoes. I wiped my leg on a hedge. My shit coated leg. I really, really, really hoped people would think it was mud. Even though it hasn't rained in weeks.

You know what? It was still a pretty good run, and I still felt good after. And yes, I had to clean the bathroom.

Lunchtime! I won't be running for a few hours, the hedges are safe...for now.

rain and relationships

It's a lovely rainy day, first one in a while. I had a great 18k run this morning, singing Bowie and feeling so alive.

I've been reading more about living with someone with an addiction, and attended the first of a 2 night education session on addiction. I found a few things helpful. The addiction process they described made sense; the brain, after enough exposure, thinks the substance is a need, hence the cravings and physical symptoms when the addict has been sober for a bit.

It also helped me acknowledge that yes, this is real, but my responsibility is to myself and the kids. If my spouse doesn't want help or refuses to accept it, I can make sure I'm not enabling him by making excuses for him, but I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.

I don't have to kick him out.
I don't have to try to stop his drinking.
I don't have to beg him to pursue treatment.

I am going to give him phone numbers for help, there are options available he won't look up. And I am going to get the boys driving so I am not stuck running all the errands.

His drinking is no better than it was, but my coping is. I am living my life, he can't join in until he is sober because his drinking, and withdrawal when he isn't, have taken his ability to do much of anything. Sucks for him. Doesn't mean the rest of us need to stop our lives, and we haven't. My kids know their dad's drinking sucks. They also know it is not their fault, and they need to keep living their lives.