Friday, March 17, 2017

I wanna be mad

I'm not really sure how to express this, I've been feeling angry and frustrated the last few days - since the joint counselling session.

The counsellor has my husband's recovery as her goal. That is her job. She has enlisted me because his odds of recovery are higher if his family supports him. Also part of her job. I've gone to see her 3 times, 4 if you include the aborted session when H was drunk. I am doing my job. The good wife.

I don't want to be the good wife.

I don't want to be involved in his recovery.

I want to be angry, and have that anger be validated, and go on with my life without him.

It feels like helping him involves sacrificing me and what I need to be happy. I know that's an exaggeration, but anything that implies that I want to stay married feels like an imposition right now.

I'm feeling really pressured to see how Hugh does in rehab, and to consider marriage counselling. And it's implied pressure, from his counsellor, as those are the things I'd do if I thought he was going to move back in with me.

He came by yesterday, and brought a ridiculously large stuffed tiger for the puppy, who adorably attacks the tiger. But it makes me angry - I'm trying to declutter, and he keeps showing up with stuff we don't need, and we're supposed to be happy about it. Do I talk to him again about not filling up the house with useless shit? Or do I let go, knowing that I'm not going to be with his useless shit for much longer? Or should I work on that with him? We are going to have some kind of relationship, maybe I should work on getting him to not bring things over.

I know he thinks he's participating in the family by buying stuff. He needs to participate on our terms, not just his. That means finding out stuff he can do with the kids, and we've given him suggestions, not just showing up randomly and giving them stuff they don't want. So yeah, I need to talk to him about the stuff, with the goal of getting him to switch his participation from stuff based to activity based. It doesn't mean never buy anything ever. Just don't make it the main part of your contribution to any relationship.

OK, I feel better now.

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