Friday, March 10, 2017

The uncertainty is killing me!

What uncertainty, you may ask. The uncertainty around what I should do about my marriage. It's been almost 7 months since he moved out, at my request, and he's still drinking. I don't know if his current lapses are part of a relapse or not - does it matter? We love attaching labels to things, especially medical things, but does the label help? In this case, I don't think so.

We have our joint meeting on Tuesday, and I gave him the letter. The one that says I don't want a divorce, but am not ready to have him back. That tells him the story of the good parts of our marriage, and outlines what he needs to do and tries to explain that I can't promise him a happy ending. I can't. Right now, if I had to decide, I'd end the marriage. But I don't have to decide now, so I live with uncertainty. And I'm asking him to do the same.

I realize the uncertainty makes it more stressful for him, and that he might use that stress as an excuse to drink. That does not make his drinking my fault. Relationships don't come with guarantees. And when you break one, an offer of an attempt at rebuilding is as good as it's going to get.

He went to a friend's brother's funeral drunk. At 10:30 in the morning. This isn't a moral failing, what frustrates me is that he can't look at this and say yes, I have a drinking problem. He looks and says no, I wasn't drinking. Addicts lie. I know that. It doesn't make it feel any better when he does it.

I am so glad he's not living with me. I don't miss him as he is. I do miss the person he was before his addiction took over his life. I don't know if that person will come back. It looked like he would, for a few weeks over Christmas after he got out of the hospital, and for a few weeks in February when he seemed to be staying sober. But I don't want him back if he's sober only part of the time. That isn't good enough. He has to rebuild a life without alcohol. Rebuild his friendships - I hope he didn't lose another one today, thanks to his behaviour. Rebuild his marriage, maybe. I don't know. Maybe it's too broken to rebuild. My dad suggested I consider our marriage over, and decide about starting a new one with him. I think that's a good way of looking at it, for me. I doubt he'd want to see it that way, but I don't have to tell him that's what's working for me - he just needs to know it's going to be a long and uncertain road ahead, and he'll be better off at the end of it, even if it doesn't involve living with me ever again.

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