I'd like to apply for a job, please

Several attractive positions have recently opened, and I'd like to be considered for each of them, based on my qualifications.

1. Spouse of Madonna. I understand the last one worked for 8 years, and received total compensation of $95 million. My husband and I have agreed that we could share this job, which would allow us to provide superior service in meeting her needs.
2. Canadian Senator. There are 18 positions available, and I am applying for the Ontario based ones. My qualifications include Canadian citizenship, an ability to sound very indignant as required, willingness to participate as an unelected stuffed shirt, excellent literacy skills and superior bullshitting prowess.
3. US Senator from Illinois. Qualifications: I have absolutely no links to Blagojevich or Obama, therefore it would be a relatively scandal-free appointment. See 2 above for other qualifications, excluding the first one. I realize my lack of US citizenship could be solved if I am first given position 1.

Thank you for your kind consideration. I look forward to hearing from and working with you for obscene rates of compensation, totally incommensurate with my qualifications.